I Was Just Thinking...

So remember when I posted this? Remember how I was excited about the person I had become? Well I don't know how but now when I look back on those days I can see how much more I've "become" since then. If you know me well you know I have a teensy weensy obsession with the idea of progress and becoming more than you currently are.
I feel like so many lives could be saved if people only knew the truth about their potential and the ability they posses to grow into so much more than they know. That's my favorite thing about my church. I know that through My Savior and Redeemer I can become the person I want to be, the person who will someday inspire my children, love my husband with all my heart, serve those around her and rely on Christ for everything!
Anyway, going back to my original point, last fall I took a serious look at myself and could see myself gradually starting to become the person I wanted to be. I had grown out of some horrible habits. So, I naturally wrote about it. And as usual I thanked those in my life that had helped me come to that point. If you haven't noticed by now, I tend to write about others way more than myself. Which is great at times, other times its my way of hiding. I'm just now realizing that I wrote all of that because I was sort of scared of the person I was becoming. At this time I wasn't sure if I wanted to let go of all those things that had held me back and stunted my growth. Sure, they hindered me but the pain of giving up those habits was almost just as hard if not more difficult than practicing them. I didn't know how I was finally going to gain the desire to let go of everything COMPLETELY. I knew I wanted to change when I moved to Provo but fear was still holding me back. I didn't want to lose myself.

Then I got a recording from a particular someone. The contents of this particular recording are extremely personal and close to my heart. Suffice it to say the missionary was definitely listening to the man upstairs, it was tough love that I really needed. He reminded me of good things about me, some not so good things. But he KNEW I could become GREAT. I didn't have to settle for average.
I felt like my prayers had finally been answered. I suddenly remembered how I was in high school. How I had these great dreams for my life. How I loved school and being extremely involved. How I lived the gospel. Then I saw how when I moved out I developed other parts of myself I loved. I was loud. I was social, I wasn't afraid of what people thought. I was mature. I wasn't a bipolar crazy to men anymore. I was also SO many things that I hated about myself. I didn't know which person to choose. It finally clicked. I didn't have to choose between the two! I COULD BE THE PERSON I AM!! I could embrace all the qualities I loved about myself from every different time in my life. Being social and "cool" didn't have to mean being angry toward the church and so many of it's Utah members. I could admit that I love studying families and marriages. I could openly talk about my beliefs without feelings embarrassed or ashamed. I finally realized that there was a woman I was supposed to become. There was a woman that had so many different talents and sides to her. There was the woman God had always wanted me to be. I was just hiding. But I'm no longer hiding. I still have so much to learn and repent of. But guess what? I know that's possible. I know I'll never have to stop growing as long as I have the desire and I put in the work. I don't know how my life will turn out in terms of who I"ll marry, when I'll marry, where I'll live, the exact job I'll have but I know the type of person I want to be when all those things happen. I don't need to wait for those things to become. I am that person. I am me. I'm not asking for anything more.
***Readers, if you're feeling down on yourselves today think about where you were 2 months ago, 6 months ago, a year. Think of how much accomplished. And don't compare it to me or anyone else. Only you know where you really are. You've grown. You're different than you were. You're better. You're growing. You're BECOMING. Don't forget it.